As an experiment, I can remember that everything has a purpose, a possibility or offers something to study, then I can keep it or discard it.  This includes people, interactions, experiences, and emotions.

I have stepped into an extraordinary experimental journey.  Some of this journey is too familiar, some of it is all new.  This is not the first time I have ventured out on my own. It is the first time doing it in my 60’s with my kids who are 2,000+miles away.  It is not the first time I have felt uncomfortable with my unfamiliar surroundings; it is the first time I am seeing it as part of a bigger picture, part of a journey of stepping more into myself, accepting more of who I am and what I need to just be me, what I need to feed my spiritual questing.

My journey to Evanston has been much longer than the 5 night car trip via I-40 with Mr. H.  It has been everything leading up to this: all the thinking about doing what was right, the packing of my whole house, now rented long-term, selling, throwing out, and giving away much of what I have owned, saying see you later, to friends and family and life as I have known itbecause goodbye just sounds like more than the truth.

As I packed up I found myself wondering where I would be when the boxes were opened again, feeling a bit scared and excited.  Mostly excited but sometimes it can be hard to feel excited about something in the future I know little about.

I know that I really don’t know anything. I work hard to fill in what I don’t know with judgments, either positive or negative and though the positive feels better, I still don’t know what it is I am doing. I know I am here in Evanston, I know my room is a room, my dog is happy to be with me, and I know that I am slowly trying on this move. I know I am back here in the land of my first 30 years of life to retrieve something or glean something.

I am trying to just let this journey learn me and work me. I am trying to just sit with and turn towards what is uncomfortable, what makes me squirm or makes me judge myself.

I am thinking about the phrase, “What if it Was Sacred”.  What about allowing the things that make me uncomfortable to deepen and change me. and so become sacred.  I want to be present, and be a warrior to old ideas and limiting beliefs and allow myself to be open and listen to new possibilities and ideas. I want to feel the influence of the new, and what directions it can take me.

 

4 Comments

  1. betseyc says:

    I love the idea of ‘trying on this move.’ And, really, it keeps happening. I launched myself out of the life I knew almost 6 years ago now, and I can still wake up and marvel at what I’ve done, where I am, how I’m living. And by marvel I don’t mean it always feels good. There are some ‘how the hell did I get here?’ moments, even when I absolutely want to be right where I am. It’s all so interesting and mysterious, this stepping out of the
    common pool of meaning.

    1. E. Stern says:

      You really have been in the lead with this. Now I want to get a camper type car and keep going. I like your description of marvel. It is exactly how I feel. Today I was more with the yes, this is happening, but who knows when that will change and why and how.
      Thank you!

  2. Dear Ellen. You latest post made me remember a Jan’s favourite meditation on Insight timer: Jonathan Lemann, Morning Meditation with music.
    It is based on an Einstein quote: There is two mays to live your life: Either nothing is magical or everything is magical.
    Love
    Josefine

    1. E. Stern says:

      I like it and will take a look at it. My experience is either nothing is scary or everything is scary. 🙂 And there is lots a magic in the scary. I think I’d rather be scared and find magic. A longer conversation about this.

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